The Anatomy Of A Conspiracy Theorist: Truth Or Satire?

It is widely believed that the term “Conspiracy Theorist” was coined in the 1960s by the CIA. The Warren Report, set up to investigate the assassination of JFK, was attracting a tsunami of criticism due to the perceived implausibility of its findings. So, what better way of discrediting said critics than by tarnishing their reputation with a derogatory label?

The coining of the phrase was, in fact, pure genius. From that moment on, anyone prone to carrying out in-depth analysis, or who questioned the actions of government, would immediately, and quite rightly, be ridiculed, or classed as tinfoil-hat wearing madmen.

Ably assisted by the media in perpetuating this necessary measure, many irrational paranoid weirdo losers have since been kept in check, their insane ramblings well and truly tossed into the trash-can of history.

So, now that we’ve established the sort of characters we’re dealing with here, we will have a look at some of the crazy things these misfits of society, with below average IQs, have claimed over the years.

Let’s start with smoking, and the extremely tenuous link between this harmless pastime and the development of cancer. For years and years, conspiracy theorists (CTs) thought they’d made a connection between the inhalation of tobacco smoke and this very deadly disease. Some rogue doctors even had the audacity to back up this theory, but fortunately they were silenced by either being struck off or given the same label as the CTs.

Then there was the fiasco with dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane, which was obviously abbreviated to DDT due to the fact CTs didn’t have the mental capacity to pronounce it. DDT was used as far back as the 1870s as a very safe and effective insecticide. I must point out that it wasn’t that safe if you were an arthropod, mind, but in no way did it affect humans. Once again, those pesky CTs, and even more rogue doctors, were harping on about this spraying of said substance making people ill. There were no real grounds for these claims, and luckily more medics were struck off just to be on the safe side.

Another example was a medical treatment called Thalidomide, which in the late 1950s and early 1960s was administered to pregnant women with the intention of preventing morning sickness. Once again, the CTs crawled out of the woodwork, accompanied by the usual quack doctors, claiming the drug was responsible for extreme deformities in new-born babies. Of course, these instances were purely coincidental. The CTs unhealthy obsession with the pharmaceutical industry and illness in general prompted some necessary debunking, and more quacks quite rightly had their licences removed for attempting to besmirch big pharma. Job done!

Well, there we have three historical examples where these freaks have been proven wrong, but what about more recent occurrences? Say, for instance, the recent pandemic? I’m afraid during this period, the CTs went into overdrive, with wild claims also coming from doctors around the world, that the jabs being administered to counteract this devastating, debilitating illness, which, for some poor souls, was as severe as a mild cold, were in some way harming the recipients. Ridiculous, I know.

CTs are now stating that there are at present in the UK far more all-cause mortalities per week on average when compared with previous periods. You can check these claims for yourself by using the following link: https://www.ons.gov.uk

So, as you can see (if you’ve bothered to look, because it’s not that important), although the CTs seem to have a point, the Government doesn’t appear to be overly concerned, nor has it been mentioned much by the media, so nothing to see here. Once again, the paranoia displayed by these morons is extremely disturbing, and makes sane people feel uneasy.

Now that we’ve established that there’s something seriously wrong with these black sheep types, let’s look at some warning signs to look out for in your family members, who are either already CTs, or those who may possibly be on the turn. Only by identifying the symptoms of this “illness” will you be able to get them the help they so desperately need. There’s absolutely no way that this list is exhaustive:

1. They seldom watch television, but when they do have the good fortune to experience such edifying entertainment, open displays of anger and discontent usually ensue. Please note this is often accompanied by the utterance of profanities, with the additional risk of objects being hurled at the screen. Researchers believe their open displays of anger are really a sign of frustration due to their inability to grasp complicated concepts.

2. On the rare occasion they attend family gatherings, you often find them skulking in a corner like timid deer, trying their best to avoid eye contact with anyone, or to engage in small talk. Apparently, discussions about the latest storylines of TV soaps makes them feel uneasy, probably due to all the subliminal attempts at social engineering incorporated into each episode, which usually go harmlessly right over the heads of normal people like you and me.

3. Surprisingly, they have been known to display signs of robust physical health. The incongruity, however, is that they shun allopathic medication in favour of all that natural, homeopathic garbage. This is an inexplicable anomaly that we won’t bother examining any further.

4. Before they will consume any water, regardless of its source, many CTs have a custom of filtering it to within an inch of its existence. Experts believe this is due to a major flaw in their DNA which renders them incapable of processing all the useful constituents such as chlorine, fluoride, and plastic particulates.

5. Over the last two years, despite our elected politicians ensuring public safety by kindly forcing the good people of Britain to don oxygen-depriving masks, to avoid socialising and stay in their homes, to abandon Granny in her hour of need, to refrain from opening their businesses, and to take untested jabs under duress, the CTs have it in their tiny heads that your government doesn’t like you very much. Paranoia at its finest.

6. In their delusional little world, CTs believe technological appliances such as laptops and smart televisions are listening to everything they say, and all their activities closely monitored. I mentioned this to a friend, and he laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed.

People, we’ve now looked at some of the indicators you’ll need in order to identify these extraordinarily dangerous, unhinged members of society. But please remember, it’s not really their fault, so be gentle with them. Many are ill-informed due to not listening properly to the newscaster’s words. And because a large proportion of them are illiterate, it’s no wonder they don’t have a clue what the newspapers are really saying.

If you manage to spot one, might I suggest you approach them with caution. If they engage you in conversation, keep your cool, humour them if you must, and, most importantly, refrain from any eye-rolling or sighing, as this tends to spur them on to try and infect you with their beliefs.

I once had a brief chat with one. He started off by bidding me good morning. He then commented on the rainy period we’d been having. It was only when he added that the weather was manipulated by powerful, advanced technology, that I realised what I was dealing with. As I attempted to edge past him, he went on to say that he never used to believe in stuff like that, but he now keeps an open mind and questions things. I was extremely fortunate on this occasion, as I managed to sidestep him and escape his clutches.

It was then, however, that it hit home. These wretched souls are cursed with the disability known as freethinking. This, in essence, is what ails them.

Finally, my advice is, if you want to avoid contracting CT’s disease, I suggest you keep watching television, read as many newspapers as you can, and keep that mind of yours closed and distracted. After all, what’s more important, the latest sporting news, television soaps and celebrity gossip, or the stark reality of your existence, and that the wool has been pulled well and truly over your eyes? Bread and circuses, or research? Stagnation, or growth? We each make our own choices.