ISS: Unintelligent Design?

Some weeks ago, a Tuesday morning if my memory serves me correctly, I arrived in the office at my usual time of 07:35 am. Being the first one in on my team, and still not quite compos mentis due to lack of caffeine, I thought I perceived some unusual movement in my peripheral vision. Turning my head to get a clearer view, my suspicions were confirmed.

Stood in a huddle in the corner of the expansive open-plan room were three strangers, to me at least, and they were deep in discussion about something or other. My interest piqued, having not even attempted to log on to my workstation, I began walking towards them to investigate. Thinking I was about to thwart some security threat, I braced myself for a potential altercation. However, as I got closer to the trio, they acknowledged my presence, and seemed unperturbed by my arrival.

It was then that I noticed their weird attire, which was not unlike the gear the SAS don just before one of their daring, do or die raids. All in black, with wires attached to their midriffs, they continued with what I presumed was some sort of checklist. What I would describe as toolkit pouches were around their waists, and sturdy military-style boots adorned their feet.

“Don’t bother attempting to log on just yet, mate. Go and put your feet up, we’ll be a while” said one, rather nonchalantly.

“A while? Doing what?”

“Computers are down.”

“Oh, alright, I’ll call IT.”

“Relax, we’re the IT guys.”

“Really, so what are you doing in this area?”

“We’re here to fix the server.”

“I had no idea that was located here in this room.”

Laughing, one replied “It isn’t.”

“Then, where is it?”

“Well, we’re on the fifteenth floor.”

“And?”

“The server is on the thirteenth floor.”

Shaking my head in bewilderment, I said “You’ve lost me. Why are you not on floor thirteen?”

Tugging firmly on the wires attached to his uniform, he answered “Soon will be, or rather outside it.” With that, he moved swiftly towards the window, and lifted it to an open position. Then, stretching upwards, he attached one end of his ropes to a hook secured into the wall. He popped his head through the opening and, pointing to a spot somewhere below him, announced “There’s the server, down there. It’s best to approach it from above. It allows for better freedom of movement.” With that, he gripped the ropes tightly, lunged upwards and proceeded to swing his legs over the sill, deftly spinning round in mid-air so his feet were now placed against the outside wall in typical abseiling pose.

“Wait a minute,” I said, “you mean to say you have to go outside the building, risking life and limb, just to fix the server?”

“Yes, what did you expect?”

“Whoa, this is surreal! Let me get this straight. An architect designed this building with a box on the exterior of a tower, and the only way to access it is by doing an impression of Spiderman?”

“Got it in one. It’s perfectly understandable.”

I walked back to my desk in a state of stunned disbelief.

Now, you’re probably thinking I just made that story up. It sounds too ridiculous to be true. And you’d be right. It never happened, and there’s no way on Earth any such scenario could, or should, ever occur. On Earth, that is.

But, how about in space? That’s a different kettle of fish, apparently.

Astronaut walking in space

In May of 2017, NASA announced that the International Space Station was having problems with a data relay box which reportedly controls the solar arrays, the radiators, cooling loops and other devices. So, what steps would be required for their resident engineer to overcome this predicament? Could it be a simple case of removing a panel from one of the interior walls, detaching the wires connecting said box, and replacing it with another? Or was the box cunningly concealed under the flooring of the craft for easy access? Apparently not.

For the station crew to resolve this pressing issue, two members, wearing heat and radiation-proof suits, would be required to leave the relative safety of their temporary space-home, and perform a vitally important spacewalk. Expected to take around two hours, the pair would make their way precariously along the exterior of the structure to where the box is located, then, whilst wearing gloves thick enough to withstand the perilous conditions of space, somehow muster sufficient dexterity to utilise hand tools.

Now, the ISS is in orbit at a distance from Earth of approximately 400km, travelling at speeds somewhere in the region of 17,000 mph. Add to that the extremely high external temperatures, and it would not be unreasonable to regard any spacewalk as tantamount to attempted suicide.

Yet, despite the obvious dangers associated with these much-publicised occasions, the powers that be at NASA seemingly treat their astronauts with scant regard. This event was hardly an isolated incident, as several such undertakings have occurred in recent years.

I’m no expert, but if someone were to task me with designing a space station, the first thing I would do would be to exercise a little common sense. I’d take into consideration the external conditions and ensure that all components requiring maintenance would be installed inside the craft for ease of access. If a novice like me can grasp this concept, then certainly you’d expect highly paid technicians to do the same.

All this begs the question: Do NASA need to recruit fresh talent for their busy design team? Based on the evidence to date, the answer appears to be a resounding and unequivocal yes. Better still, as this is the International Space Station, that would be yes, oui, ja, si, da, affirmative.